And You Thought Your Job was Complex

You’ve probably never thought about how it would be to deliver papers, or the details of what goes into it. Today is your lucky day. I have a first hand account of exactly what goes into getting that paper on your doorstep each morning. This is an IM conversation I had with a friend who wishes to remain anonymous. I’ve taken the liberty of highlighting the especially good parts in purple. I’m (obviously) Marcus.

Paper Deliverer: I’m shooting for waking up at 1:30 to set up my inserts since they decided it would be funny to make me deliver 2 inserts on a single piece paper day
Paper Deliverer: tuesday is just ONE section that I have to worry about
Paper Deliverer: grab, fold, stuff…
Paper Deliverer: well I can fit 2 full size sections in the front seat of my truck…
Paper Deliverer: then it’s (from door to center) grab, slide onto next stack closer to me, fold, stuff
Paper Deliverer: not hard enough to even think about…
Paper Deliverer: well with inserts, some are full size, some aren’t, depends on the company advertising, and they’re going to be thin (think one sheet of paper) so if there are 2, and one’s a 3×5 booklet and the other’s a slick sheet of card stock, then that’ll make it 10x harder at least
Paper Deliverer: think grab from floor, grab from far side of seat, slide onto main sheet, fold, stuff
Paper Deliverer: usually it’s step one) first delivery: **** dental’s dumpster with ads…
Paper Deliverer: step 2) fold single piece paper
Paper Deliverer: but I’m going to try to put it all together to deliver everything that they want me to deliver
Paper Deliverer: since they’re giving me like 2 bucks for it
Marcus: do you seriously dump the ads in the dumpster?
Paper Deliverer: 1 penny per insert I believe which at 2 pieces times 320, that’s like 6 bucks
Paper Deliverer: whoopty doo
Paper Deliverer: and yeah, if they give me an ad on a tuesday, into the dumpster it flies
Paper Deliverer: unless it’s easy to roll with the main sheet (on a single insert day)
Marcus: why? are tuesdays no-ad days?
Paper Deliverer: it’s a single piece, I rest my hand on the stack and fold the top paper in half and in half and stuff it into a bag
Paper Deliverer: don’t even have to think going down the road
Paper Deliverer: now think trying to gauge a single piece of card stock off
of a pile with the light off going down the road and grabbing one off the top
and then putting it on another one, and then putting both of those on top of
a newspaper and folding it into quarters and then putting it in a bag and then
chucking it out the winder, knowing that you have to be somewhere more important
at 7:00

Paper Deliverer: at least monday, wednesday-friday, while being 2 piece newspaper
days, are 2 FULL sections, easy to grab a single one off of the top

Marcus: heh… the minutia of delivering papers
Marcus: i would have never even thought about it
Paper Deliverer: oh I know, me neither
Marcus: can i use those quotes if i don’t attribute them to you?
Marcus: ?
Paper Deliverer: and think, the newspaper carrier knows exactly what you drive,
where you park it every day, possibly which light you leave on, etc

Paper Deliverer: even though you don’t get the paper
Paper Deliverer: brb, I smell a carbonization smell ((insert name here)’s cooking… )
Paper Deliverer: what do you do with someone who tells a bold faced lie and then acts like they don’t know they’re lying?
Marcus: depends on who they are

The conversation is truncated here to protect the innocent. There it is. Now you know.